Deepest Cuts in my Heart

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Someone very wise told me today that God won’t set my path ablaze for me to follow. I have been waiting here for answers and they won’t come. He told me, ”You have to make decisions in life and know that God is with you and guiding you along the way. Where would faith come in?”

Let me tell you my fear. My fear is the unknown. If all of this can happen… anything can happen. My fear is that I could be going from the ”perfect life” to hating my life. Going from the world’s best marriage to a crappy one. Those of you that knew ”us” know what Scott and I were. It is most difficult for me to put into words. That man literally completed me. In every way. He was perfect for me! If there were two people meant to be together it was us. Soul mates? No question about it. That’s the part that scares me. It can’t possibly get any better than that… can it?

The fullness of joy, with not a care in the world, only wondering what month our next little one would be born in- is gone forever! Will I have joy? Absolutely! I hope so! I have had lots of joy this past year. Is the fullness of joy there? No. Life was simple. Love came easy. Currently, life is hard and loves comes hard. Scared to be hurt again. Scared it could be taken away again. Scared it won’t be as ”perfect.” Can’t fully let myself enjoy. Not sure it is even possible. I know I have said this before, but my happiest moments in life will come with pain. Presley’s wedding- horrendous. Anyone’s wedding. My (possible) future babies, her babies. Buying a new car or a new house. Going on trips and vacations of a lifetime. All will be followed up with some degree of pain. The fullness of joy has been ripped from me.

Then, I had another friend tell me, ”that’s not the kind of person you are. You demand perfection if your life. Your exuberance for life wouldn’t allow it.” Wow, what an amazing compliment!

My name is Lindsey Joy. I hated my middle name growing up. I thought it was terrible. As I grew into an adult, I liked it more and more and found it to ”fit” me. Now, I am back at questioning it. You, Christ, call me by name. You mention ”Joy” over 240 times in your Holy Book. My favorite verse, ”Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.” Note: it doesn’t say give thanks FOR all circumstances. It says give thanks IN all circumstances. There is a huge difference. There is still plenty to be thankful for. The sermon after Scott passed away, Pastor said ”In your storm remember to remember. Remember to remember all the blessings he has given you and give thanks. He promises he will not leave you. In this storm or the one after that or the one after that or the one after that.”

So I am now focusing my time and energy on my family. The most exceptional child I could ever be blessed with lives under the same roof as me. Her daily presence in my life is a gift I do not take for granted. I know she is not mine. I know she could be taken from me at any moment, but I will enjoy every second that He will allow me to have with her. It’s truly amazing we have even made it as far as we have- almost a year and a half. I know my love for Presley would be indescribable if Scott was still here. But let me tell you, the deepest cuts and slices of my heart are filled with Presley Paige. She not only represents my child and that amount of love but she is taking control of the Scott parts of my heart as well! The love I have for this child is paramount! Nothing can touch this amount! Hearing her suck her thumb, hearing her one-of-a-kind feet pitter pat across this living room floor, the sound of her blanket sweeping the floor, hearing my bedroom door open in the morning, getting the most precious smile, snuggling with the sweetest smelling blankie and baby around, getting to run down the days agenda and what’s for breakfast, and hearing that raspy voice say ”I love you momma” all day long… that is living. That is my life. That is why I was able to wake up on 11/14/11 and will be able to wake up tomorrow morning. She is my world. My entire existence- as sad as that my seem- most days it’s true. Seems like it would be so much easier to just stop breathing, but then I wouldn’t get to feel her ”kiss on the lips.” If I could get Presley in liquid form and just drink her up, that would be best! Or press her against my chest so tightly that we morph into one.

Ok Scott, you done up there yet? I’m ready for you to come home!

In His Grip,

Lindsey

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2 Comments

  1. camille
    Posted 03/16/2013 at 2:00 PM at 2:00 PM | Permalink

    Linds~

    God does have a way of letting “Father Time” ease this time you are going through………..One day you will have more little miracles—and you will love them as you do Presley. God has a plan here for you—really. Keep trusting that. One day you may be a speaker through all of what you are going through. You may be a messanger of the Truth and gather in the harvest for Gods workers………… There are great things in store for you–don’t let this scare you. Big or little–even one child brought to His Kingdom is a huge thing in His eyes……. God bless you my friend! Just think of all the people you have touched already just through your experience! And just think how Scott is smiling down on you and saying, “you can do this Linds”! You are blessed!

  2. Evie
    Posted 03/16/2013 at 8:16 PM at 8:16 PM | Permalink

    So hard for me to read these sometimes. But it does help me too Lindsey. It is amazing how such hard times make us appreciate the sweet little things in life that become what we treasure. We “enjoy” but always with a little sadness. Take care!

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