Engaged While Celebrating Nine Years of Marriage


Say what? How can this possibly be? How could it possibly happen to me? As strange as it sounds in your head, it’s possibly even stranger in mine.

Here is my best effort to explain how much Scott (and Lindsay) is a part of my life. “‘Til death do us part” was part of my vows to Scott, nine years ago. Yes, we are apart. Yes, I am missing his physical being more than earthly imaginable. Here comes a big BUT… Scott is so much a part of me. A part of my heart. A part of my soul. A part of my life. A part of Presley’s life. A part of Presley’s body and mind and spirit. And he is still romancing me. It’s an entire new level to our love. “Two” also “became one” on that day. And that’s the part that doesn’t go away. That doesn’t “part.” That’s the deeper part of marriage. It involves the soul. It involves the heart. So then you may be thinking, “how could you possibly becoming “one” with another man?

My very first love in my life was my mom. As soon as I came out of her womb, my love bucket for my mom was filled to the brim. She nurtured me and loved on me and fed me and took care of me and protected me. (Obviously, I had other love buckets- my dad and brothers too.) But then came along Scott, I added another love bucket. So much love that I wanted nothing more than to marry him and spend forever with him. Scott’s love bucket didn’t take away from my mom’s bucket. I just had another bucket. Then we had a baby girl- another arm branched off- instant love bucket. Just because I added another love bucket doesn’t mean it took away any of the love I have for my mom or the love I have for Scott. I just had to the ability to love more. Just like parents with more than one child. When you have your second, it doesn’t take away the love you have for your firstborn. Your heart just grows and you are able to love more. More and more and more. I don’t love the reference of a “bucket” either because that implies there’s a limit. Just know this bucket can never be maxed out! Let’s just go with it.

“Love you with my whole heart!” What does that mean? There is no cap amount of love. Love is endless. The love amount is infinite. The ability that one is able to give and receive love is without end. There is no maximum amount of people you can love.

Insert Gabe- yet another love bucket! Just because I have another love bucket for Gabe, doesn’t mean it takes away the love I have for my mom, for Scott or for Presley. I just have the ability to love more than I ever thought possible! The greatest of these is love! It’s eternal. Just because Scott is gone doesn’t mean he has a hole in his bucket and that my love for him is depleting. It just grows and grows and grows. Just like my other love buckets. Scott gives me many little “Hey you! I love you and I am here with you!” messages and signs all the time. For which, I am so grateful!

Today, I will celebrate and mourn my husband in heaven and our nine years of marriage. I will be looking for my little signs from Scott that he is still very much a part of my days. I also, will be celebrating and looking forward to, with great anticipation my wedding day which will be exactly one month away! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, God gave me Gabe. The hope, faith, compatibility, interests, bond and the greatest of these…. the love that Gabe and I share is and can only be designed and brought together by Christ Himself.

I know several people who don’t even get one love in their lives. And I get TWO? How is that fair? And in some ways, simultaneously?!! It humbles me to know the amount that my Heavenly Father loves ME to give ME two incredible men!

In our wedding program, I wrote Scott a note that reads- “To my groom, I truly believe God blesses us by putting certain people in our lives. WOW! That just shows me how much Jesus loves me to put a guy as wonderful and incredible as you are in my life. I believe in my heart that the only reason God moved me to Texas was to meet and marry you. Thank you for everything you have done for me and will continue to do in the future. You have changed my life for the better. Your attitude and faith have inspired me to become the lady I am today. You truly are my best friend. Scott, you have a heart of gold, no one I know is as true, honest and as real as you are. I just pray, our love is modern enough to withstand the times, old fashioned enough to last a life time and that our love and passion for each other grows more and more everyday and that today, our weddings day, will be the day we love each other the least. Love, Lins”

Scott’s note- “To my Bride, Well, the day is finally here. I have been looking forward to making you mine for a long time. I could not be more excited about the girl I am marrying. I love everything about you- especially your glowing personality. Nothing makes me happier than seeing you smiling at me, and I’m lucky to get to have that feeling for the rest of my life. I know you will make a wonderful wife, and I hope I can be just as wonderful of a husband. Please know I will always be here to comfort and support you when you need it. I hope our new life together makes you as happy as it makes me. I’ll love you forever, Scott”

All of these words are still true to me. Note the forevers, the always, the future, the love, the support, the comfort- all of these things are still happening. Just on a deeper level than I thought I would experience at 28. And now 30.

It’s not a surprise to anyone that Scott was more “complete” than most people, even grown men. Christ thought so too. He didn’t need any more refining. He was already precious in His sight.

Now to my fiancé,

You are the calm to my storm. God gave me you! He gave me you for the ups and downs. Only you, have seen me at my darkest, deepest and weakest self. Not only, did you see me there, you met me there. You held me when no one else could. You touched that depth when no one else could imagine a glimpse. We will soon say “for better, for worse-“ Lord willing, you have seen my “worse!” And not only did you cry when I cried, but you were Christ’s vessel. I felt so much love from you during that time that it literally felt like Christ’s love for me. When I couldn’t hear Heavenly Father, you would gently remind me of His love for me. When I couldn’t see Heavenly Father, you would show me Him. When I couldn’t feel Heavenly Father, you would hang on and not let go. I look forward, with great joy, to our future. I cannot wait to see what Christ has in store for us! You walked me to a part of healing I didn’t know existed and I look forward to you “walking” me the rest of my way home! I love you with my whole “love bucket!”

In His Grip,

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