I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness— secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name. Isaiah 45:3 (NLT)

As much pain as those years of waiting and loss brought with them, I wouldn’t trade any of part of my journey for the knowledge I now possess. I have been talking to Jesus since I was about six years old, and I would say that as I grew up, I knew a lot about God. But the difference between knowing of God and knowing Him personally is huge! My relationship has drastically changed after having to depend on Him and only Him. Before walking the lonely road of infertility, I knew what I read: that God would never leave me or forsake me. (See Deuteronomy 31:6) But today that knowledge has made its way from my head to my heart. I have experienced that truth firsthand.

When I discovered that my husband couldn’t fix my broken heart, my family didn’t know the right words to say (probably because there were no right words), and friends who were immersed in building their own families seemed to avoid the issue entirely, Jesus was the One I ran to. And I learned that He alone is enough.

My husband was not enough.

My family was not enough.

My friends were not enough.

Perhaps the hardest for me to come to terms with was the fact that even children were not enough.

And that was all part of His design. They were never supposed to be enough. God gives us relationships to encourage one another, but they are never intended to sustain us. Psalm 54:5 says, “Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.” (NIV)

When I felt most alone, I questioned why God was isolating me. Later I would see that in that time of stripping away all my expectations I held for those closest to me, He revealed to me the greatest treasure of all- my relationship with Him. Though it was discovered in the midst of my darkest days, uncovering this hidden truth that Jesus is enough was worth every tear I shed.

Jesus understood my pain.

Jesus welcomed my questions.

Jesus kept track of each tear.

Jesus was able to put the broken pieces of my heart back together into a more beautiful heart that beat for Him.

Jesus brought joy and purpose to my life smack-dab in the middle of my circumstances.

And when God knew that I understood this precious treasure and its infinite worth, He answered my prayer in the most amazing way. In the summer of 2010, we welcomed a son and a daughter, and our tiny family of two doubled.

I used to think that God was holding out on me. Now I know that He was holding on to me, waiting for me to grasp the knowledge of His love for me. Isaiah 63:9 says, “In all their distress he too was distressed.” (NIV) God did not enjoy watching me suffer, but His plan for my life was so great that it was worth it to Him. That plan (not my plan, but His perfect plan) involved giving Him everything, including my broken heart.

My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Colossians 2:2-3(NIV)

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge— that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:18-21 (NIV)

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