Scared to Breathe


Who would have thought my life would pretty much be summed up in a Dr. Suess book? I bought ”Oh, the Places You’ll Go” for Presley the other day and was taken back by the story. So the story goes like this:

Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets.  Look ’em over with care.
About some you will say, ”I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you’ll head straight out of town.

It’s opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don’t worry.  Don’t stew.
Just go right along.
You’ll start happening too.


You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so
but, sadly, it’s true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump,
you’re not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right…
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

I have come to the waiting place. For a little over a year now, it seems that everyone has told me to wait. Now I find it that Christ is telling me to wait. Wait more? How much waiting can I possibly do? I feel I have spent a long time waiting. Praying and waiting. Praying and waiting. This waiting has brought me to the most scared I have ever been.

I am scared to move. I am scared to jump. So I wait. I’m scared of being scared. I am scared. Scared, scared, scared. All around scared. Scared out of my mind. Scared myself nauseous. Scared myself sleepless. Scared myself to a point of no longer enjoying life… Doing anything. Ever. I don’t fully enjoy anything because I am scared. I don’t enjoy life. Not even being with my precious angel brings me the fullness of joy and happiness that I once had. No trip or vacation. No gift or Scott item. No hug or kiss. No story or memory. No scripture or counsel. No smile or laugh. No whiskey or beer. No joke or good humor. Scared away from all happiness and joy.

When I think what marked my existence before was my perpetual joy- now has me marked as scared. I am scared of my future. I am scared of my life.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

Right on Dr. Suess!

Christ taught me things like ”two shall become one,” ”submit to my husband,” ”my body is not mine but my husbands” and ”husbands are the head of the house.” I truly felt like I lived this way. At least to my best ability. I was one with Scott. I submitted to him. My body was his playground to enjoy. He was the head of our house and made all decisions. Then what does He do? He leaves my life bleeding out on the side of the road. Left a widow, who still gushes with blood. Left her scared and waiting.

For what? To make sure I live this life for my eternal life and always focusing on that? I say ”poor Presley” to that! She needs a mother who enjoys this life and finds joy in the little things, not always wanting to be joined with her daddy.

So I will wait. I will pray for wisdom because He gives it generously and without reproach. I will pray for patience. I will pray for discernment.

I will pray- I don’t have to wait much longer.

In His Grip,


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