Touch Me

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The most unfortunate thing about losing a spouse is the only other person that fully knows your love is the one that went to heaven. So to describe that love to another person outside the marriage is merely impossible. In fact, as time goes on, I find myself using less and less words or just no words. Because there is no amount of passion, crying, laughing, love, story telling, descriptions that will brush the surface of the intimate relationship of me and Scott.

I hope all married people say that they are in the world’s best marriage. I must say I feel that with all my soul.

Life was so easy. I was so in love. On the back of my wedding bulletin, I wrote a letter to Scott and part of it said, “I just pray, our love is modern enough to withstand the times and old fashioned enough to last a life time and that our love and passion for each other grows more and more everyday. And that today, our wedding day, will be the day we love each other the least.”

When a spouse passes away, there is so much to miss- their presence, their laugh, sense of humor, their voice, demeanor, the way they walk and talk, their loves in life, unborn children, the love, hugs, kisses, the help with chores and decisions, the lack of daddy, their favorite foods, their hopes and dreams, their smell, their twinkle in their eye, their quirks, their drumming on anything they can get their hands/fingers on, their organization, their zest for life and who they were and where they were going, their jokes, their commentary during tv shows, and the list could keep going.

But what I want to be here to tell you is what you will miss the most. You will miss their touch!

It is incredible the amount of touch I see around me. I always wonder if the person receiving those sweet nothings is actually taking the whole touch in. Little girls running up and hugging daddy’s knee with her cheek squished up against his kneecap. Husband’s gently grazing the small of his wife’s back. Two friends whispering and their hair tickling the other. A toddler’s tiny feet bouncing on mom’s pregnant belly.

What I wouldn’t give to feel Scott again! I don’t think there is anything. His cold A/C nose and lips when he came home after work to kiss me. His warm hand on me while watching tv. His tuck of my ankle when sitting next to him. His huge bear hugs. His big sloppy kisses. His skin. His lobed ears. His fuzzy hair. His belly pushed against mine. His one short thumb. His unbelievably soft feet. His facial hair. His bubble butt. His hair line. His neck. His back. His hands always somehow/somewhere touching me. We were really good at feeling.

That is what I miss most. I miss how he feels. I miss him feeling/holding/touching/loving me. I miss his hands. It’s as if the “two shall become one” part was ripped apart and the only thing I feel now is me still bleeding out for Scott. We were one.

So I would like to encourage you to touch more- husbands/wives, children, parents, grandparents, friends. Hug longer. Try to feel all of the love you can feel because one day you may not have it.

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4 Comments

  1. Shawna
    Posted 02/13/2013 at 4:10 AM at 4:10 AM | Permalink

    Made me cry! This is so true. I miss that so much too! At night he would look at me and ask me if I wanted him to lay by me. My answer was always yes! The hugs, the chicken pec kisses goodnight, all of it. I’m so sorry you are having a hard night.

  2. Janet
    Posted 02/13/2013 at 4:48 AM at 4:48 AM | Permalink

    I know; in a way. I spent almost 3 years between my first husband and God sending me Glenn. However our soul/partnership ends: the first feeling to re-emerge is the sense of touch. And that feeling is the one most easily satisfied and the most disappointing because it can be incomplete…especially with the touch/feeling you have grown to expect and rely on. But God is good. He is also preparing you for more. You cannot imagine it now, although now you will desire “more” but there is. In God’s time. I know. And I give thanks; every day.

  3. Razan
    Posted 02/19/2013 at 4:08 PM at 4:08 PM | Permalink

    As a newlywed, this really puts things in perspective for me. Thank you for pointing out something so easily taken for granted so that we can start noticing more of what we are blessed with eberyday! I hope it starts to get easier for you and your beautiful little girl.

  4. jriske
    Posted 06/30/2013 at 1:11 AM at 1:11 AM | Permalink

    Amen! Thank you.

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