Oh my sweet, sweet Presley Paige. Some days my heart hurts for you more than for me. I know you can’t hurt right now for your dad because you are too small, but you should know I have been doing enough hurting for the both of us. I know there will be a day when you will mourn your dad. That is an unbearable reality of our journey. If I could take this pain away from you, I would in a heartbeat. I would rather my heart feel in two than to have you experience this kind of pain.

I have done everything I can to protect your heart from hurting, but this I cannot shield you from. When you were a tiny baby, if you fell off the changing table or tripped on our hard concrete floors, yes I was sad for you but I would know that physical pain is healable. Your tiny bumps and bruises would one day go away. However, if I knew your heart was sad, that would always crush my soul. I never wanted you to miss me when I would have to go to work or be sad I wasn’t there with you. I have done so much already in your 2 tiny years to protect your inner core and that most precious heart of yours from sadness. Unfortunately, this hurt is one I know is inevitable. Knowing I have no control over this tsunami wave that will engulf you… Knowing I won’t be able to stop this train that is headed straight for your heart… is almost more than I can take.

I will never know why God would want to take away something so precious to you. I will never know why you are suppose to go through life without knowing your dad. I will never know why God thinks you are this strong to bear this kind of burden daily. I will never know the plans God has for you. You will do great things. You will have more character than most. People will be in awe of the depth of “Presley.”

I promise to you, I will try everyday to make sure you know your daddy. I will tell you stories about just how amazing he was. I am sure so many people will tell you incredible stories about your dad and there won’t even be one negative story. I can assure you. He was the most amazing man God could have possibly created. Presley, there are none better than your father. He had so much love for you. Everyday, he would just want to come home and play with you on the living room floor. He could make you gut laugh so easily.

The day you were born, I was sleeping in the hospital bed. I woke up pretty late that night, and saw him weeping in the rocking chair. He was holding you so tightly. I said, “Scott, what’s the matter?” He said, “She keeps looking at me.” I saw a whole new level to that Scott-kind-of-love.

One day I hope, you will be able to see a parent’s love and bond for their child is as strong as any relationship could possibly be. This bond starts from the moment they find out they are pregnant. It is truly an unconditional love. We prayed for you daily as you were growing inside of me. We would pray specifically for each part that would be forming that day. We would pray that you would fall in love with Jesus. We would pray for your future husband to be just like your daddy. We would pray that we would be disciplined enough to pray for you everyday of the rest of our lives. My whole being was consumed with taking the very best care of myself for you. In the Bible it says, that God knew you before you were even in my womb one day. He set you apart before you were here one day. It is hard for me to fathom that he knew this tragedy was going to be part of your life before you were here one day.

I have to give you my most sincere thanks, Presley. You will never know it but you alone have brought me so far in my grieving process. You have given me the sense of hope and a life that’s worth living. You are the reason I can get out of bed with a smile on my face. You are the reason I can laugh during the day. You are my beacon in all this darkness. You and I are a pretty tough team. I promise, I will try to be the very best mom (and dad) out there for you. I will give you everything I have to give.

Presley, my hope is we never take one moment together for granted. Let’s cherish every detail of our relationship even when it is tough.

So much of my love “pod”,

Mom

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