Dear Scott,

Well, it’s been a year since I have touched you, held you, kissed you, hugged you, laughed with you, made fun of you, corrected you, cooked for you, helped you, went on a date with you, cleaned for you, enjoyed life with you…

But I can still hear you, sense you, smell you, see you, write about you, grow with you, remember you, laugh about you, cry for you…

My heart may never recover from your love and you know what I am ok with that.

You wrote me a letter right after I turned 16 and got into my first car accident. I’m sure you remember it was pretty bad and I rolled the car into a couple of cedar trees totaling my parents vehicle. Well, this is what you wrote and I would like to read part of it to you:

“Lindsey, 5/7/99

Oh my gosh, I am over here just balling my eyes out. I am so scared. What if you weren’t ok? What if you were paralyzed? What if I lost my baby? Don’t you realize how important you are to me? I want to hug you. I would give anything in the world to have you in my arms again. What if I got a call from your mom at the hospital? What would I do Lindsey? What would I do? I’m sorry. I’m like hysterical over here. I’m so scared and there are all these thoughts running through my head. I love you. “If tomorrow never comes.” I can’t stop crying. Do you see how that happens? In a heartbeat you could be gone. I could never spend another minute with you. Never hug you again. Never smile at you again or tell you I love you. I LOVE YOU. I think you’re ok because all the prayers I was saying for you. Do you realize how important you are to me? I CAN’T GO ON LIVING WITHOUT YOU. Thank you soooo much for calling me. I couldn’t take hearing this from someone else. That is really important. I hope you’re doing ok. I don’t know what to do to make you better. I’m just so scared. I love you with all my heart. I wish I could’ve done something. If I would’ve gone to Wal-Mart you would’ve been ok. God I love you so much. I’m scared Lins. I love you. xxxxx

It’s me again. I can’t stop thinking about if I never saw you again. Can you imagine that? What would I do? You’re my angel. My life doesn’t go without you. It kind of makes me not worry about you dumping me. It just makes me happy for the time I have with you. It really puts things in perspective. WEAR YOUR SEATBELT. FOR ME, if nothing else. Don’t you get it? I could never see you again. Ever. I would never see that wonderful smile on your face. I would never hold you against me and press your lips to mine and have that wonderful feeling of love again. I’m so glad you’re ok. It just makes me want to spend every second of my life with you. It’s the little things I take for granted. Just daily stuff that would be a huge deal if it was gone. I’m so sorry you’re so scared. I’m praying for you. I can’t quit crying. It hurts so bad to think about. I love you so much. You know I’m always here for you. You can always cry on my shoulder (even if I am crying too). I love you Lins, don’t ever forget. Death is so final. Have you ever thought about that? There’s no taking it back. It’s just over. There’s nothing you can do. I really hope I can see you tomorrow. I really need to hold you. I’m glad you’re ok. I love you with all my heart. -Scott”

Scott, unfortunately I do know all about this letter. I do know about balling my eyes out for you, being so scared it paralyzes you, I did lose my baby, I do know how important you are to me, and I am to you. I want to hug you too. I TOO WOULD GIVE ANYTHING IN THE WORLD TO HAVE YOU IN MY ARMS AGAIN. Yes I see how fast that can happen. In a heartbeat you were gone, never to spend another minute with you. Never hug you again. Never smile at you again or tell you I love you. I do realize how important I am to you and you are to me. I am doing ok. Unfortunately you can’t make this one better. I’m scared too. Right again, if we would’ve gone to Wal-Mart for the curtain you would’ve been ok. Not being able to see you again, is the part that consumes me too. No Scott, I can’t imagine it. YOU ARE MY ANGEL. My life doesn’t go without you either. I am so happy for the time I had with you. Thank you. Yes it puts everything into perspective. Yes I promise, I will wear my seatbelt for you! I GET IT! I get it all too well! Yes all those physical things do go away. I took the little things for granted too. I am sorry! I know with all of my heart the treasure that you were and are. The daily stuff is the hardest part… spot on again! I know you’re sorry I am so scared, but I know you and Christ are guiding my days. Thanks for the prayers. It does hurt. I love you so much too! Yes I know you are always here for me. I won’t forget how much love you have for me, I promise. Death is final, so very final. I have thought about it A LOT actually. You’re right, there’s nothing I can do. It’s just over. I don’t think I will be able to see you tomorrow. I need to hold you too. I’m ok. I love you with all my heart too!

In His Grip,

Lindsey