Afterimage

…suddenly you were gone.

A month ago today, I lost you. After six weeks of pure hell. Of having lost communication with you, but believing you were coming home to me. To Mia. To Chase. You slipped through my fingers like water. I held your hand and left my other hand over your heart as it beat for the very last time. …and then you slipped beyond the physical onto a higher plane, a new existence, and a full understanding of why things are what they are.

And the rest of us were left behind.

Left behind to go to Adam’s football games. Without you. …left behind to have a Parent/Teacher conference and be reminded by Mia’s teacher of the brilliant little girl she is. Without you. Left behind to celebrate birthdays. Without you. Left behind to see Mike and Nicole go to SEMA, and know that the next time I do, I’m going to go – Without you. Left behind to go Trick or Treating. Without you. …and here comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Mia’s Birthday, Our Anniversary, Valentines Day, Mother’s Day… …all without you. Without my Telbo. Despite new routines, people who care about me, dear, unbelievably powerful friends and angels who lift me up and remind (and indeed show me) that I can be happy, the thought of all of this is still overwhelming – when you look at it like this and not like I have been – one hour or day at a time.

I have begun to feel your presence often. It is both wholly comforting and absolutely painful at the same time. That’s not to say I don’t welcome your presence, and I would be lost without it, but when I feel it so strongly it makes me yearn for more. To hold you. To touch you. To kiss you. …and then I’m snapped back to reality. I put the phone down when I go to call you, or I remember in time to call someone else. …or simply to sit and stare. It’s like an afterimage burned into my existence. …and one I’d never part with. …Memories of you bring me smiles and not just pain some of the time. …I yearn for the day that will be ALL THE TIME, because it was SO DAMN GOOD that I want the memories to only bring me happiness.

Despite the fact that i was with people who care for me unconditionally today, it was the hardest in several days. I didn’t really expect it. Not sure why today is any different or worse than yesterday? Is any worse and more painful, thank today was. Well, it is.

I know there is nothing said here that you don’t already know – and then some. I know where you are now, you know what’s in my brain and in my heart before I even think it. …and that makes me content in knowing that you know my deepest thoughts, pain, love, misery and happiness. …I think this is all just for me – helps me work through this and to express how much THIS SUCKS!!!

I love you Shelby. I miss you.

”Afterimage”

Suddenly, you were gone
From all the lives you left your mark upon

I remember
How we talked and drank into the misty dawn
I hear the voices

We ran by the water on the wet summer lawn
I see the footprints
I remember

I feel the way you would
I feel the way you would

Tried to believe but you know it’s no good
This is something that just can’t be understood

I remember
The shouts of joy skiing fast through the woods
I hear the echoes

I learned your love for life,
I feel the way that you would
I feel your presence
I remember

I feel the way you would
This just can’t be understood…