I’m not old enough to care too much about what you think of me – but I’m young enough to remember the future and the way things ought to be.

Fascinating week filled with fascinating experiences, many with new friends, many with old friends, many with family, all with people who love and care for me. …I’ve had some very difficult ”Michele” moments this week. I found myself at the graveyard Tuesday talking to Michele as if she were here, sitting on Lindsay’s bench next to me. …and again, out there, I felt like I could hear her talking back to me. I had some important things to talk about, to work out, and for some reason I can work stuff out easier there.

I had to begin the business of informing the world she’s gone. Mortgage company. Social Security, Utility Companies. Banks. …and in all cases you hear the corporate approved automatic form response which is meant to convey caring, but fails to accomplish it.

…as I move forward out of the fog and haze of what has happened to my family, I’m beginning to be able to look around, and in doing so, I’m finding both beauty and pain. I’ve never in my life had death thrown in my face in quite a profound way as losing Michele, and since she died, I’ve been virtually incapable of worrying about anyone’s pain – anyone’s problems but my own.

…but in the shadow of my own loss and the dark places my mind tends to wander from time to time as a result, It is becoming plain that life goes on – and so does death.

I learned last night of a fatal cancer diagnosis of a friend of a friend. It struck me unlike any such news ever had before. Here’s a guy who I don’t even know. Someone who is only connected to me by a fine thread of a degree of separation. …and I learned it from someone who herself lost her husband to Cancer just last year. …and It just slapped me in the face. Another young, vibrant life, snuffed out by cancer or sickness. Like Michele, Jody, Lindsay and countless others …I’ve been hearing of things like this happening for years… …but somehow, when it happened to other people, I’d mourn for some set of time, and then get on with it. …and if it was someone who I didn’t know, the victim of the illness rarely got much more than a ”that’s a shame” from me. …now I find I dwell on it. I find that I’m unable to simply pass it off as something I’m not attached to. That I sympathize and hurt for those who are close to him as if he were family. …and I immediately relate. It’s an odd feeling. it’s a feeling of community – a connection to the people who have had to deal with such a deep tragedy in their lives.

…often times this connection is strong and profound, and becomes VERY important to those who share it because it is a lifeline to a place where things don’t suck so bad. …and this thing that brings such meaning and comfort to those who have found the connection often confuses and scares others who are dealing with the loss differently, in their own way and from the different perspective unique to their set of circumstances and the relationship with the one we’ve lost.

This week’s lesson is simple. We each have to deal with this using the tools and according to the strengths and weaknesses God has given each of us. …and this causes confusion, jumping to conclusions and additional pain often or usually not intended. The families and circles of friends who make it through a loss have to simply give each other space to process and accept the changes which are now inevitable because of this loss. Its the acceptance that things won’t be the same, and adjusting your thought processes to this truth. …and one of the truths is so profound, so obvious, but for those who are struggling with a loss find guilt in accepting this truth. The TRUTH that I speak of is that life can be good – REAL GOOD again. …and when you feel you’re supposed to (or expected to) be forever wallowing in your own pain, this can be a tough pill to swallow.

None of us ever stop moving. Life goes on. Pain fades, but forever lingers to some degree. Reality dictates that we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and look to the future because others are counting on us.

Life goes on. With or without us. You can simply choose to get back on the train or forever stay at the station.

”Cut To The Chase”

It is the fire that lights itself
But it burns with a restless flame
The arrow on a moving target
The archer must be sure of his aim

It is the engine that drives itself
But it chooses the uphill climb
A bearing on magnetic north
Growing farther away all the time

Can’t stop moving
Can’t stop moving
Can’t stop…

You may be right
It’s all a waste of time
I guess that’s just a chance I’m prepared to take
A danger I’m prepared to face
Cut to the chase

It is the rocket that ignites itself
And launches its way to the stars
A driver on a busy freeway
Racing the oblivious cars

It’s the motor of the western world
Spinning off to every extreme
Pure as a lover’s desire
Evil as a murderer’s dream

Young enough not to care too much
About the way things used to be
I’m young enough to remember the future
The past has no claim on me

I’m old enough not to care too much
About what you think of me
But I’m young enough to remember the future
And the way things ought to be

Cut
Cut…

Cut to the chase
You may be right
It’s all a waste of time
I guess that’s just a chance I’m prepared to take
A danger I’m prepared to face
Cut to the chase
What kind of difference can one person make?
Cut to the chase