Is It real? Am I dreaming? Which one is real? Which is the dream? …once your conscious takes over, that’s an easy question to answer. Reality comes into focus and the dream becomes a bit fogged – but its still there. There’s the daily slap. Perhaps just a tad bit less sting.

I haven’t heard Michele’s voice since late August. Her voice has been a constant in my head since 1994, and for the first time in my life, I can’t consciously hear her voice in my head. I can’t MAKE myself her her. When I recall conversations – I simply can’t hear her talking to me. I can sit here and recall conversations with virtually any other person in my life and HEAR their voice in my head. …but not hers.

I’ve been told that this is common. Other people who have been through this type of a loss that I have spoken to directly (including our friend Gabe here) have spoken of the frustration of not being able to hear the voice of the person who you’ve lost. I’ve also had people tell me that they don’t dream about the person they have lost – and indeed, while Michele was in the hospital I did dream, always nightmares, where she was dying, where she was there but couldn’t or wouldn’t speak… …or when she started to speak, I’d wake up suddenly. …but on Friday Night, I was blessed with a dream of Michele – A good dream.

I heard her speaking to me. …assuring me that she’s OK and that I will be too. That she is here with me, watching over our kids and my heart. She told me she had sent a guardian angel to me. It was as if she were here. It was as if we were sitting in a field somewhere, just talking, like we always did. it was HER voice. …not some recorded version of it. Not some semi-familliar voice. I can’t, no matter how hard I try, remember all the details of the dream, except to say it was incredibly vivid – incredibly real.

Once you’ve been reminded of your own mortality by the loss of someone you love at such a young age, it very much changes your perspective on life and on time. A theme I’ve been focused on for the past few days, but with good reason. Showing my nerd side here, but in the movie Star Trek: Generations, one of the characters states ”Time is the fire in which we burn.” The character takes a very negative approach to the passage of time. Over the past few days, I’ve been thinking a lot about time and the incredibly limited resource that it is for all of us. Later in the film, Picard says ”Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we’ve lived.” These words always caught my ear, but now, I really understand what the message was.

…but in the end, this isn’t about the loss of Michele at all. …because she isn’t gone. She can’t physically be here with us – and there is a great deal of pain for so many, especially for me, her parents and our kids – but we OWE it to her to not lose what she gave us. …not to see this as ”starting over” but rather building on the incredible foundation she has left behind – the greatest gift she could have ever given. I know that she’ll always be here to guide me on my path, and she’ll spend the rest of my life asking God for my happiness and the health and happiness of our kids, just as we will spend the rest of our lives asking God to keep her in his arms until we can once again hold her in ours. In good, loving, solid relationships, we often work (and sometimes not) at giving our partner what they need & want, and at being a better husband, wife or parent. Only love, and not necessarily the romantic kind, can create this drive in a person.

”Wanting to try and be a better person again… …for someone else.”

…as I attempt to mesh all the various feelings of the day into a final coherent thought (I warn you now, I may fail in that effort in the end), I find comfort in the fact that in my dream, Michele was able to remind me (again) that I need to live life for the joys it offers, and that the spirits of our loved ones and God will guide our way. …its ok to feel pain, to feel lost at times, even to be angry; but not to let go of HOPE, because without it, we’ve lost our futures; …and our past.

Dreamline

He’s got a road map of Jupiter
A radar fix on the stars
All along the highway
She’s got a liquid-crystal compass
A picture book of the rivers
Under the Sahara

They travel in the time of the prophets
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and heroes, and the restless part of everyone
We’re only at home when we’re on the run
On the run

He’s got a star map of Hollywood
A list of cheap motels
All along the freeway
She’s got a sister out in Vegas
The promise of a decent job
Far away from her hometown

They travel on the road to redemption
A highway out of yesterday — that tomorrow will bring
Like lovers and heroes, birds in the last days of spring
We’re only at home when we’re on the wing
On the wing

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we’re only immortal
For a limited time

Time is a gypsy caravan
Steals away in the night
To leave you stranded in Dreamland
Distance is a long-range filter
Memory a flickering light
Left behind in the heartland

We travel in the dark of the new moon
A starry highway traced on the map of the sky
Like lovers and heroes, lonely as the eagle’s cry
We’re only at home when we’re on the fly
On the fly

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we’re only immortal
For a limited time

We travel on the road to adventure
On a desert highway straight to the heart of the sun
Like lovers and hereos, and the restless part of everyone
We’re only at home when we’re on the run
On the run…