If you know me at all, you know I like to include and know and read definitions in my readings, speaking and my life in general. So here I go again…

Grace- unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Strength- capacity for exertion or endurance

I’ve been amazed at how many people have told me how “strong” I am. Honestly, there have been days that I couldn’t be doing much worse and randomly would get a text or facebook post that said how strong I am. It’s shocking! I am not sure what these people expect to see, but apparently whatever it looks like… I was/am doing better than that! What a relief… because I feel like Armageddon has just hit my house and I am underneath all the rubble struggling to breath.

Unfortunately, this year I have heard about more tragedy than I have at any other time in my life. If I have known the person or a friend of the affected, I would ask how they are doing. Most of the time, if not every time, I hear “he/she is so strong!” REALLY?! I doubt it.

Hear me out…

My wonderful grandpa was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago. He was given just a few short months to live. He chose to not accept bone marrow transplants and not get chemo, as those options would be painful and only prolong death a little longer. He said, “I have lived my life to the fullest! I have three beautiful girls who have married wonderful men and have wonderful children. Most of my friends have already gone. I have lived a good life.” His mind was remarkable. He did not skip a beat. Yes, he would cry and hurt for grandma being left here on earth and would ask us desperately to take care of her.

If you haven’t experienced it, you can’t relate. However, I have to tell you, during his illness, when that man walked into the room you felt the grace ooze from his entire body. He was a beacon of light. Christ’s love engulfed his being. There is no way a nonbeliever could have been in his presence during that time and not felt a pull towards our Heavenly Father. It wasn’t strength. You felt this amazing force of wanting to be near him and wanting to hear what he had to say. He would talk about death in an exciting manner and he looked forward to living in eternity with his friends and family that have gone before him. You had to stand back in awe. It was breathtaking. It was the most beautiful display of Christ’s “grace” I have ever seen.

He was always humming or singing some kind of tune. The last months he would be humming “Softly and Tenderly” (Jesus is calling. Calling all sinners come home). The last week, he would wake up and wonder why we hadn’t gone yet. He said, “they are calling my name!” Heaven is for real folks. This is a country farm boy. Who wouldn’t know a fib if it hit him in the face. This was real. Really real. He was excited about his death. The anticipation was more than he could take.

I believe there are two different types of grace, if not more- the “affected grace” and the “observer grace.” The “affected” amount of grace is clearly much more than the “observer” amount. The affected is the one involved first hand. The observer is everyone else. For example, my grandpa was getting this huge amount of affected grace. While the rest of us had to sit back and get the observer amount of grace. We were able to feel more and hurt more for his death here on earth than he was. We were aloud to feel the void our lives would have without him. Grandpa, he didn’t feel that or see that pain or loss in any way. He had grace oozing from his pores!

The evening of November 13, 2011, I got a dose of grace I have never experienced in my entire life. It consumed me and who I was and the image I portrayed to those around me. From the outside, it might seem like strength. I can assure you it had nothing to do with me and was a gift from God! I am so thankful I have gotten to experience that amount of grace. Don’t get me wrong, I would MUCH rather have Scott here and go truckin’ along with a regular amount of grace. But if it wasn’t for this tragedy, I wouldn’t have been gifted with this.

Grace for me is a hard word to describe. It is hard to tell our youth group what grace means…. Until you live with it! I feel like initially He swamps you with it. Some may call it the shock factor after a tragedy. I do not. Slowly, as time goes by, He eases up on that amount and starts to let you “feel” the reality of your situation. Key word being “slowly.”

I have heard of people cleaning out closets, going shopping, getting on dating websites, proclaiming the pastoral route the first few weeks of a death. For some, that may sound bizarre, for those who know the road, see it as perfectly normal for anyone going through such a heart-wrenching event. Grace keeps you carrying on. Grace keeps you busy. Grace won’t allow the pain to hit you all at once, because that amount of pain would kill you spot on.

My grace has eased up. In a way, He has allowed me to feel my loss more today than the week of the funeral.

Next time, you see someone handling a tragedy “well.” Instead of saying, “they are so strong!” Please say with a smile, “they have received His grace!”

In His grip,

Lindsey