The day Lindsay died I had this overwhelming support. I must of had an overwhelming amount of grace being poured on me too because I was able to muster up this post that night…

’Gabe Lewis
September 23, 2011 near McKinney, TX via mobile

Added note: please don’t feel sorry for me. God has his reason for this and I truly believe I will become closer to him through this. We are in a dark world right now and I feel I am closer to God than I have ever been. I will continue to grow in Christ and bring my boys along with me. I will never stop loving my wife and Christ. Amen.’

Sadly, humbly, and embarrassed as all get out, I come before you to tell you that those words, I myself did not take to heart. Somewhere I started feeling sorry for myself, which I think is ok to a certain point, but…

I have created a world for myself where everyone feels sorry for me. Its not their fault, its me. Its me using the concept of sympathy for selfish reasons. I am so ashamed. I am embarrassed today more than I have been in my entire life.

Please stop… I know at this point, right here you are doing it again. I PROMISE, this is not meant to be a plea for even more support and sympathy. Support is one thing, but when I call on it, like it is owed to me, I am nothing but a beggar.

I have found that in the past year and a half people will do just about anything for me. You people love a lot. You pour it on. You make sacrifices and bend over backwards to pay me support. Believe me, its not that I don’t want it. Its just that I have dug myself into a hole of self pity, confusion, and laziness.

I am scared to death even writing this, because it means from this minute forward, I have no excuses. I can’t shut down for just any reason…

I must wake up and be a great dad, not just a physically there dad…

I will work mindfully…

I will clean my house and keep it in order…

I will take credit for my mistakes…

I will not blame anything or anyone…

BUT, what is great about this is I have a chance to get my life back!!!

I have a chance to care about others and their day…

I have a chance to be the first to say, ”How are you doing?”

I have a chance to be accountable…

I have a chance to be a man again…

I have a chance to say, ”I am really good.”, when asked how I am doing.

I can lift my head and actually look around and be oh so thankful for all those gifts I talk about.

I am scared to death right now…

I feel like I am signing my life away…

I pray to God that this is not signing it away, but that it is signing new terms, a new lease, a new agreement.

In order for me to truly do this, the support can’t go away, I need to be realistic…

However, instead of a ”It’s ok, do what you need to do.”, I pray it is a ”Get up, you’ve got this.”, a ”I need better from you.”

The amount of grace people have had for me blows my mind. It is everything I have needed to this point.

I beg, I plead, I humbly request… hold me accountable. Push me.

I was tough before Lindsay died. I picked myself up, I dusted off the dirt, and just ”did.”

I want to be there for others, I want to be the supporter.

I really don’t like me right now, I can’t imagine another liking me very much either. So, lets do this together…

Heavenly Father, today I am weak. I am weaker than I have ever been. In that weakness, you have revealed some pretty unsettling things about me and my soul. Lord, I need you more than ever, but that needs to come from you and you alone. I don’t want to be a needy person anymore. I want to be your strength. I want to be so wrapped up in the blessings you have put in front of me, I don’t have an eye to see anything but my blessings. You have given me a beautiful life. I get scared that will go away. Don’t let that fear cripple me, let it strengthen me to fight. Let it fuel this heart, this soul, this spirit, this mind to do great things. Let your love be enough for me to say, I don’t need sympathy from anyone. Let your love, your strength raise me up from this pit of hell and shine again. I want your light that I believe once shined through me to shine brighter than it ever has. I want that to be my strength. I want that to be the only thing I need. God, I can’t make you feel sorry for me, but I can ask you for help. I beg you and you alone to raise me up and mold me into the man I am in your omnipresent world. I pray from this second forward, I feel a renewed strength and satisfying love for life and everything you have given me. In Christ’ name, amen!!!

Gabe