Heavenly Father, I am sorry.

I lied to you.

I told you I would never deny you and I would always trust you.

But…

You knew better, you knew that was just not true.

Yet, you still love me and smile on me every day.

I cry, I whine, I get scared, every day.

Yet, you still love me…

Brody has hit the phase of whining all the time. Its about everything, all the time. There is not one thing he asks for that does not come out as a ”whine.”

Because he is a growing boy, so much of the time, he is asking for food…

”Daddy, my tummy’s not full…”

He lifts up his shirt and shows me his little tummy. I touch it and sure enough it isn’t full.

So, he whines every day for food, something that I have never, not provided to him… something so guaranteed, so ”every day.”

I just look at him and I can’t understand it. I ask him… ”have I ever not fed you, have I ever put you to bed hungry?”

I promise you, I haven’t.

Last night, it was no different. Sure enough…

”Brody, its bed time, lets go.”

”But my tummy’s not full, I’m hungry!”

Then something that has been on my mind a lot lately, came to me and I just saw me when I looked him. I saw this little boy, crying to me about something I have never not provided to him, except felt it coming from me…

When Lindsay died, I immediately said, I would never deny you.

I put my whole heart and trust in you.

But then I began to whine.

I began to cry.

I began to ask for something that you have never, not provided me.

Your love.

I get scared.

I make things up in my head about what could go wrong.

Sometimes I believe that I have done something wrong and you will not give me what I want.

When I look back at my life, I find my peace…

You have never let me go hungry, cold, naked, financially strapped…

You have not only provided these things to me, but you have always done it in abundance and in ways to let me know HOW much you love me. You always let me know it is from you.

So, why don’t I trust you?

Why do I believe you will forsake me?

Why can I not turn it over to you?

Because, I am this little boy and I know not what I do.

My God, I love you so much. I know you love me too.

I beg you, please fill my tummy.

Please do not forsake me.

I got pretty messed up with you taking Lindsay back. I know that now. I got scared, sad, hurt…

But God, here I am, you have me, you always have and you always will.

Please don’t hurt me.

Heal me.

I trust you.

Gabe