I woke up again this morning.

…and the slap to my face as reality hit was just as hard as it was yesterday.

…but today, I feel just a little bit less alone. Yesterday, Just as I was beginning to feel that there was no hope, no connection to God, and indeed no connection to the world, indeed as I was about to turn my back on God a prayer was answered. ”Part of the Miracle” showed itself to me. I’m still angry. SO ANGRY. I’m still heartbroken – in a way that I hope most (though I know some do far too well) can never know. …but when I was ready to give up. When I was ready to throw in the towel and ignore God, he grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. Looked me in the eye. FORCED me to see that people DO get through. FORCED me to see that I can too. FORCED me to counsel and BE COUNSELED.

The need for pure, non-judgemental, unconditional understanding when you are grieving and in so much pain can not be under-stated. So many well intentioned people, people with pure love for me, for Chase, for Mia and for Michele, many of you reading this right now, are so kind and have reached out and have prayed and have touched me with your kindness and love, and have given me so much. You have filled me with so much of what I need right now. …but there was still a huge gap in what I needed right now. A connection. A comrade. …and at the bottom of a pit of self pity, when I wasn’t looking, that connection came.

The connection doesn’t change 99.9% of what is difficult right now. Certain sights, sounds, and frankly things I never associated with Michele will trigger random emotions. My beautiful daughter’s face, which is so much Michele’s. Chase’s always happy demeanor, also a gift from his mother. Remembering the joy she had in our love. Remembering the love she had for her children and the joy they brought to her. Sometimes wonderful memories. Sometimes fear of what is to come. Sometimes guilt. Sometimes anger. Many times tears and physical pain and discomfort. …but it does teach me that a future – a good future for both me and my kids is possible. It was a lesson that I desperately needed to learn.

The fog is still heavy. I can’t see the bow of the ship. I can’t push the ship any more than at an idle. …but at least the radar shows that I’m not going to hit an iceberg and sink.