Madrigal

I long to turn my path homeward, to stop a while with you

More than Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays or any other event, this is the one that I’ve been dreading. Our anniversary. The 10th of our marriage, the 19th of us being… well, “US”.

…I’ve been silent here for some time. This shall continue after this is posted today. I may come back, from time to time, when the mood strikes.

For 19 years, we made US work. I can recall so clearly the first time I ever noticed Michele. …but it can’t be first time I ever saw her. We were in the same band class, though she wasn’t marching as she was on drill team, and was in a complete different section of the band. …and was a sophomore, so why would I really even know her? I don’t know, maybe wasn’t looking – I was dating someone else that fall. …but when I did see her, when I did notice her… …I knew. I knew the moment I saw her and yelled after her “Hey, Crippled Bando!!!” that I was looking at my future. I even told the friend who I was with in the hallway that “I am going to marry that girl some day”. He shook his head in disbelief. …and then stood up next to me at our wedding some nine years later.

From that day, from that moment until the moment her heart beat for the last time, we had challenges, obstacles to clear, hurdles to jump and hell on earth to bare. …but these things were just blips, imperfections in a life together that was so good in so many ways.

Michele was an imperfect girlfriend, fiancée and wife. …and LORD KNOWS, I was an imperfect boyfriend, fiancée and husband. Far too often it seemed that we were strong in the same places and weak in the same places. As a result, we often didn’t balance each other out, weren’t a voice of caution the other one needed to rethink something. To find a different answer or path. We made mistakes. Sometimes separately, but usually together. Some of them big. We had huge successes. Anyone who knows Mia and Chase can easily see how much the good outweighed the bad. We had to face real pain – the loss of a full term baby, our baby Dawn.

…but when it was just us, just Michele and Scott, alone, together, we made up for ALL of the negatives with the love and joy we always felt in each other. When it was just us as a couple, just us as a family, 4 people who’s worlds centered and revolved around each other, we thrived. We lived. We KNEW what love, joy & contentment was in those moments. We lived it. We had it. It was a feeling that sadly many people never get to experience.

As the years moved along, and we thought we had all the years ahead of us we could fathom, we didn’t get to spend as much time together as we’d like to have, as I was traveling for my company quite a bit, and had my head into another venture for a sizeable amount of time as well. She never begrudged any of it. She supported me in all of it. Even in the other venture – I think after Chase came along, she regretted that decision a bit, as it was harder juggling two than one, but she never said a negative word to me about it. …Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20 however. If I had to do it over again, if I knew then what I know now, I’d have kept my mind and my body at home more than I did. …but when you’re young, having little kids who have such futures ahead of them, it’s hard not to get seduced by the idea that “there is always tomorrow”.

As it turns out, there isn’t always tomorrow. …the thing I really DO get from those experiences is how wonderful it was to come home. To have the kids rush me. To have Michele there with that smile. …even when it was weary and tired. To have those couple of moments of “I missed you and I love you” communicated without saying a word, sharing that first kiss and feeling like being in a bubble together even if the kids were under foot or in the backseat jumping up and down, excited I was home. Those are the moments and memories that endure. THOSE are the moments that matter.

Most days, I try and focus on work. Find shelter in friends and loved ones, old and new. who have shielded me from spending my life dwelling on this loss, while giving me the space I need to work through it. …most days, I spend more time focused on what this loss means to my kids than it does to me. Most days, I put my head down and just “keep on swimming”. …but today, I feel sorry for myself. Today, It’s about me. …and US.

Regardless of the outcome, the heartache, the pain, I consider myself blessed. I am blessed to have my health, my future. I am blessed to have people who love me who support me unconditionally. I am blessed to have the two most beautiful kids in the world – who’s worlds revolve around me, and around whom my world revolves. I am blessed to have a group of people in my lives who I have met since this all happened to me who have given me hope and showed me happiness is possible, is real even after dealing with such a tragedy.

….and I am blessed for having Michele. For having had her in my life, had her devoted to me in a way that any man would be jealous of and few will ever know. I am blessed for all of the love she gave me. I am blessed for ALL of the gifts she gave me. I am blessed for having had 19 amazing years with a woman whom I loved and who loved me unconditionally, deeply and so passionately.

I miss you Michele. I miss you so very much and think of you every day. …but I find peace in the fact that you knew that, all of this, before I even wrote it. Thank you for your presence. Thank you for your guidance. Thank you for continuing to watch over me.

11 roses, my dear.

I love you, always and forever.

Happy Anniversary, Telbo.

Madrigal

When the dragons grow too mighty
To slay with pen or sword
I grow weary of the battle
And the storm I walk toward

When all around is madness
And there’s no safe port in view
I long to turn my path homeward
To stop a while with you

When life becomes as barren
And as cold as winter skies
There’s a beacon in the darkness
In a distant pair of eyes

In vain to search for honor
And in vain to search for truth
But these things can still be given
Your love has shown me proof