So everyone ”professional” tells me it’s ok to be mad at God. I have had some real anger issues with Him the last several months and haven’t been able to get past them. So I am hoping writing will clear the air between us!

Because He has my utmost respect, I am going to try my hardest not to cuss Him out. As that is what my heart wants to do!

We are in the Lent season and on Sunday, Pastor, talked about Jesus on the cross crying and screaming out to His Father in Heaven ”Eloi, Eloi lema sabachthani?” ”My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

So picture this- Jesus on a cross, abandoned, alone, bleeding, bruised, thirsty, hungry, fighting for his breath, exhausted, dirty and ungulfed in pain. At the end of his rope- can’t take one more minute of it and cries out to his ”daddy.” WHY? Why are you doing this to me? Why have you left me here to die? Where did you rip me from my eternal dwelling to come to suffer? Why can I not hear you right now? Where is my comforter now?

And you know what God did? He was silent! He didn’t say a word! And then when Jesus thought it was over…. What does God do? Gives him more pain and more suffering! Literally puts Jesus, the King of Kings, the Prince of Peace, the Author of Salvation in HELL!! HELL- for three days!!!! As if what he went through wasn’t enough? God thought he needed more pain! Jesus needed more loneliness and more exhaustion and more thirst.

Then there is me. He brings me through the worst thing that I can possibly imagine going through. My worst nightmare, my biggest fear comes true. He takes my most precious gift! And where the hell is he? Absolutely no where! I beg for His presence! I beg for His comfort! Nothing! Just more loneliness and more suffering. People will say ”Jesus wrap your arms around Lindsey.” Really? I don’t feel crap! I feel no warmth, no hug, no being held up. Just a cold empty house, consumed with a widow begging for help! And in so much pain, and filled with so much anxiety and fear and nausea, the only word she can get out is ”HELP!”

I would have rather had a mediocre marriage that lasted until I was 80, than the marriage I had for only 7 years. He has ruined me! He has destroyed me! He has taken the sparkle from my eye! He has removed the pep in my step for slouched shoulders! He has replaced the pureness of joy with dark circles under my eyes! He has taken away my sleep! He has replaced eating with nausea! Where the hell are You now?

You can hurt me all You want! I am a big girl! I was raised with a tough as nails dad and three very strong brothers! So go ahead hurt me! But You hurting the sweetest, most precious little girl in the entire world- is ruthless! That little girl could not be more innocent and more pure and You took her daddy!?! I don’t see what is ”merciful” in that! Absolutely relentless!

I have asked You to guide me and our future… Nothing! I have searched You and Your will and Your word for direction in my life- Empty! I have received counsel- helpless! So you took me to a point of complete agony and did what…. brought me even more pain and more loneliness by being absent!

I CAN’T HEAR YOU! One day white, the next day black. 50% this and 50% that. Half the time one thing and half the time the other.

LORD, I beg of you! I am on my knees! SPEAK UP! Blaze the path you have set before me! Just light it on frickin’ fire! Hit me over the head with a 2X4. I am the one that needs the neon sign! Have I not been through enough that You can’t provide me with this? What more can I give? What more can I say? Run to me! Rescue me! Get the devil and his ways far from me! Satan-I spit on the face of the evil one! Until that time or until You call me home, I will wait! I don’t want to but You have given me no choice but to wait! You have forced this on me! I am waiting for you Lord to deliver me! Help this pitiful widow out for goodness sakes! Have mercy on me! And for the tiny orphan that lives in this house- All of Your greatest! Nothing short of the absolute greatest!

In His Grip,

Lindsey