When I miscarried the first time, I was angry at God. I couldn’t understand why He would allow us to conceive after over three years of waiting for a child only to rip that blessing right out of our hands.

When it happened a second time, I was baffled. I remember driving in my car one day, talking aloud to God, tears threatening to consume me. I told Him that I thought this whole thing was cruel. Then I said to Him, “What are you doing, God?”

What I learned that day about God is that He welcomes our questions. Habakkuk asked a similar question to the one my heart was crying out: “How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?” (Habakkuk 1:2 NIV)

When the angel of God told Gideon, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior,” Gideon replied, “Pardon me, my lord, but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us?” (See Judges 6:12-13)

These are the same questions we ask as we face all kinds of storms in life. Grief. Depression. Illness. Loss. Infertility. Though the circumstances may differ, the questions that weigh us down are the same:

What are you doing, God?

How long?

Why?

Though I did not get a clear answer from God that day in my car, what I sensed in my heart was Him dropping to His knees, lovingly drawing my eyes to His and speaking these words gently to my soul: ”I am doing this because I love you. And I am about to show you what I’m doing. You may not understand it now, but in time, you will begin to see. Trust Me.”

What He was doing in my life was rooted in His deep love for me. He was allowing my heart to shatter, because it was His way of rescuing me. From myself. As long as I went along the path I was on, thinking I could control my life, I would never discover who God created me to be.

Jeremiah 29:11 is one of my favorite verses. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” The two verses that follow, though, are even more powerful, because they reveal the heart of God and say much about why He allows pain in our lives.

“Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart. I will be found by you,” says the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.” (Jeremiah 29:12-13 NIV)

God wanted me. All of me. Every single part. He wanted to free me. He wanted me to know Him better, so that I could see myself more clearly. The way that He sees me. Only then was I able to understand all the ways He wanted to use my life and my story for His glory.

If you have questions, take them to God. There is not a single question His love cannot handle. He will not turn you away. Zephaniah 3:17 says, “With His love he will calm all your fears.” (NLT)

He won’t promise to take all your fears away, but He has the power to cover you in His peace. Another translation reads, “He will quiet you with His love.”(NKJV) Even though God has shown me over and over again that He welcomes all of my questions, I know that what He really wants is for me to sit at His feet and just get quiet.

Sit. Get quiet. Listen.

The hardest part of infertility is the waiting. Isaiah 30:18 says, “So the LORD must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the LORD is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help.” (NLT) While it may seem that we are waiting on Jesus, often He’s the one who is waiting on us. He’s waiting on us to sit down, settle down, and listen, so that He can teach us how to rest in Him.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28 (NLT)