”I can learn to coexist with anything but pain.”

…I understand, fully, that pain is a part of the process, and that even in the deepest and happiest moments of my future, the pain will still be with me – but feeling it daily, and feeling it in uncontrolled waves isn’t natural – it isn’t how we’re supposed to function. I think to be successful in this process, you have to be open about who and what you are – what you need. What you want. …and then make as few compromises – for anyone or any reason – as possible to reach where you want… where you NEED to be in the end.

Every day that I’ve woken up and got out of bed since Michele died, I have endeavored to ask myself the following question – ”if things were reversed – What would Michele do?”

I KNOW Michele is proud of me. She is happy – deeply happy – when I find moments, hours or even days of happiness. She feels the pain of being physically separated just as I do. She cheers me on along the way, with God’s help, though the process of re-establishing my life. I KNOW Michele and God have placed certain things, experiences and above all, people and a guardian angel, on my path to guide me through the darkness. …to pull me THROUGH, not around, the pain.

Acceptance of a loss like this comes in stages. …and ”acceptance” is so broad – mainly because there is SO MUCH to accept. …but through group support, this blogging outlet and long and in depth conversations with Gabe and Laura, I am finding acceptance easier to come to grips with than I once thought possible. I’m working though it in pieces.

I believe that while we can’t explain why or how that we each find our own way to happiness. To living a ”normal” life and in doing so accepting that things won’t ever be the same again – but that they can be great, amazing and yes, even happy again.

We’re all meant to find and hold onto happiness in life. While the pain some of us must endure is very real, very devastating and can be extremely heavy to bear upon our shoulders, opening yourself up to ”new and different” through the process instead of ONLY mourning the loss of ”comfortable and familiar”, opens you up to new horizons & possiblilites that you weren’t able to and didn’t need to see before such a loss.

It teaches you to resist the urge to automatically use the normal responses to things in your life. It teaches you that life is short and that we must all seize the time we have. It teaches you that the way you always found comfort in and was just ”right for you” isn’t the only way you can live, be content and happy. ..and it teaches you that while we don’t always particularly like or understand ”God’s Plan” that he won’t leave you stranded if you allow him to help you along the way.

…allow yourself to be happy and have a good time and have moments of pure joy and greatness even through the pain and the grief, and while the empty place inside you from the loss will never go away, you’ll find fullness and growth in the new.

My pain is mine. I need my pain. I WANT my pain. It is part of who I am, and without it, I lose part of me. But I refuse to simply co-exist with it. I chose to use it to drive me to a better place. …yet another legacy Shelby left behind for me. It is a lesson I am grateful to be learning.

Resist –

I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to coexist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I can’t explain

I can learn to resist
Anything but frustration
I can learn to persist
With anything but aiming low

I can learn to close my eyes
To anything but injustice
I can learn to get along
With all the things I don’t know

You can surrender
Without a prayer
But never really pray
Pray without surrender

You can fight
Without ever winning
But never ever win
Without a fight

I can learn to resist
Anything but temptation
I can learn to coexist
With anything but pain

I can learn to compromise
Anything but my desires
I can learn to get along
With all the things I can’t explain