Tears flow. They come from the heart. They come from sadness, and the memories of such unbridled joy and happiness.

Thanksgiving is here. For the first time since we moved into this house 7 years ago, there aren’t two turkeys in brine. There aren’t other dishes prepped for all the cooking today. There isn’t a salami and cheese tray sitting in the fridge. There is no Michele in her bath tub relaxing after spending the previous day on her feet getting ready for our big day as I watch the news. Instead of 4 in our… rather in MY home this morning, there are only 3.

Thanksgiving was always the holiday that meant the most to Michele. She so loved opening up our home, having our entire family invited to be here and the activity in the house as her sisters, their families, our parents and often other friends arrived, jumped in the kitchen, watched football and chatted all afternoon. All of the Christmas holiday was spent with grandparents, at sister’s homes, so Thanksgiving was just ours. …and despite the calls from her mother and mine, to let someone else do it, ”you don’t have to do this every year!” Michele did it with such joy. She would NEVER have not hosted the event. She simply loved it. It was clearly a great deal of work. …but we ALWAYS went to bed thanksgiving night in each other’s arms, talking about what a wonderful day it had been, and how much love had been in our home and how special it was to have such a great circle of family and friends around us, and how it brought us so much strength.

Watching the Macy’s parade, drinking coffee, eating cranberry bread and going though the black Friday ads (though we never went) was our morning. I remember just last year, we had a perfect morning – a perfect day. After the difficult summer we had endured, the fact that we were in condition to host our event last year, to have everyone here, to be able to follow our tradition was such a victory. …and really, a big one. I remember looking at her from across the room while she lounged on the chair in our living room with Mia watching the parade. My heart swelled, tears came, because I knew how close she had come, how close we had all come to having to spend Thanksgiving without her. I remember thinking how lucky we had been and how fortunate we were that we’d be able to spend the rest of our lives sharing this and all the other holidays together into the future. I never would have imagined, never could have believed that it was our last one. That there would be no more Thanksgivings. No more Christmas’. No more New Year’s Eve parties. No more sharing our lives together so soon.

This week has been full of tears. Despite having my family and friends around and rallying behind me and around me, I feel alone today sitting here in this house. …and the person who makes me feel the least alone is also absent, spending Thanksgiving with her family, as it should be. …and I’m sure I will today as I go to Kira’s to celebrate with them. There is an emptiness in my heart, in our home that just can’t be ignored. Despite the fact that I am once again finding happiness in parts of my life, much of my life, despite the joy in Mia’s face as little sneak peaks of the parade flash on the TV, there is nothing that can take the place, that can ever make this holiday be the way it was. Never again.

I know in my heart that there will be great Thanksgivings again. That there will be happy holidays again. …that in change, new, strong and equally joyous traditions are formed. …and I know that even these hard days ahead will contain for me moments, maybe even days of pure joy and happiness. …but today is the first day I’m facing an EVENT like this. I’ve had to accept that my daily life will never be the same as it was when Michele was physically here with me, with us. That was difficult; at times literally impossible to do, but I have been shown that happiness is real, and can be had after such a horrible loss by a guardian angel who knows better than anyone could possibly know the pain and emptiness I see. …but this morning, I feel an emptiness that I haven’t felt since the week I lost my Shelby. …and it REALLY sucks.

Tears are flowing. They aren’t all painful tears, but tears none the less.

”Tears”

All of the seasons and all of the days
All of the reasons why I’ve felt this way
So long…
So long

Then lost in that feeling I looked in your eyes
I noticed emotion and that you had cried
For me
I can see

What would touch me deeper…
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?

A lifetime of questions, tears on your cheek
I tasted the answers and my body was weak
For you
The truth

What would touch me deeper…
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes that know why?