Heavenly Father,

Thank you.

This season I have been thinking a lot about you carrying that cross. It is the most humbling thought, visual, feeling, that it literally makes me feel pain.

I grieve you.

I sit here and think about my life.

Before Lindsay passed away, we use to talk about how blessed our lives had been. How lucky we were to the point, we would say..

”Why is He so good to us?”

”Why does He pick us to bless a little more?”

It is how we felt.

Since Lindsay died I have been scared, hurt, broken, anxious, to the point life is not fully enjoyable.

So this season thinking about you carrying the cross, I just think about my burdens. My pains.

Two thoughts come to mind…

One. My pains don’t even compare to what you went through.

Two. Why do I continue to wear these burdens, when you in the act of carrying that cross a couple thousand years ago, set me free?

A plan was put into place. Jesus Christ… you… for me… went through with it.

You gave me life.

So, why do I sit here and let pain, hurt, fear ruin that?

Fear was not in my vocabulary when I enjoyed life with Lindsay. We fully appreciated our blessings because we fully lived them.

We stayed in a constant state of thankfulness.

I look at my life now…

A wife in Heaven living for eternity… That is a good thing.

The two most amazing boys calling me ”Daddy”… That is a good thing.

A girl who understands 100% of my being and appreciates 100% of that… That is a good thing.

A little girl that has offered more healing in my life than I will ever be able to repay with love… That is a good thing.

A family that has never given up on me… That is a good thing.

Friends that have unconditional love for me… That is a good thing.

Security, a great job that I am good at because of you… That is a good thing.

Shelter, a house that keeps me warm and safe and comfortable… That is a good thing.

So, here I am counting my blessings that are hidden because of thoughts of fear. Blessings that others would die for. Blessings that no human is ever fully deserving of.

I am sorry.

I repent.

I know not what I do.

Here is where I thank you.

This is where I accept your peace. Your love. Your faithfulness.

This is where I accept you carrying that cross for me.

This is where I accept your grace.

I love you.

Gabe