I had what I would normally describe as a nice weekend this weekend. Took the kids out for a fun activity on Saturday morning, enjoyed lunch with some of my best friends and their family while the kids played, everyone went to the Pumpkin Farm in Celina, watched some college football and wrapped it up with dinner with some friends. …then yesterday on Sunday, I had my parents over in the afternoon and a friend to visit last night and watched some NFL. Normally, I’d be on Facebook bragging on what a great weekend I had enjoyed on a Monday morning like today.

Normally.

The entire time, I felt as if on an island. Isolated. Alone. Abandoned. …in a place where only I am and nobody else can understand how I feel. …and I feel, physically, like there is a hole in my heart/chest. Physically as if a part of me is missing. A cross between an uneasy tightness and someone sitting on my lungs.

As we watched the kids build their projects at Lowe’s on Saturday morning, I wasn’t thinking about how cool of a deal it was, I was kicking myself for not having done it sooner, and thinking how much Michele would have enjoyed watching the kids do this.

…then off to the Pumpkin patch – pure torture and fun all at the same time. The kids REALLY enjoyed it. Michele and I didn’t go last year because we were a couple of weeks from a trip to Vegas at this point, and were doing other stuff with the kids, and I was too busy working on a project for one of my other interests. The whole time I was looking at couples who are so blessed to have each other. Families – whole families all around me. …and guilt for not having gone last year when we still had the chance. …and pain because she’s not here now to share it – or anything – with. …and finally dinner. With two of my favorite families in the world. …enjoyable, but again, the hole was in my chest, and my feet were on my island.

Then, I couldn’t sleep. Literally. I laid in bed until 6AM from the time iI got home. …finally fell asleep about 6, only to have Mia waking me up at about 7:15. …but hey, the sun is out!!!

Sunday – Family Day – Sunny, perfect weather. ”Let’s get up, get the kids dressed go have some breakfast and then find something fun to do” was in my heart until I rolled over and saw an empty bed. I got my daily morning slap in the face. This one was harder than normal. This one caused me to collapse. I cried and cried for what seemed like two hours. Sundays, the days we lived for. To be together. To be a family. To remember why we were so deeply in love. Ripped away. Never to be the same again. …and impossible to fathom how anything that isn’t the same can ever make me happy or even be just ”good” or ”acceptable”.

…and my poor Mia was so miserable all day. Not feeling well. Emotional. …and Chase was feeding off of both of us. I had a bad day so they did too. Clingy to the point of frustrating. I understand it, but I wasn’t dealing with it very well yesterday. My temper was boiling over. I tried not to direct it at them, but I know they could sense it.

Close friends and advisors keep telling me to reach out to God. I’m trying, but frankly not succeeding. I try and reach out and feel distracted. Distant. I try and do some study and thought on the subject, and can’t focus. I feel anger. I feel abandoned by him. Betrayed. I’ll keep trying, but if I’m being honest, I’m having to admit it hurts more to talk to him than ignore him right now.