I felt so helpless yesterday. The news of the horrible tragedy in CT was everywhere I turned, and as I stood in my work breakroom watching the news, I felt so helpless and so heartbroken. I was hurting for those poor, innocent babies and their families, and for the men and women who tried to save them, but lost their lives in the process. All I could think was ”I need to pray”. I felt trapped, if that makes any sense…trapped and incredibly overwhelmed with a sadness whose origin I couldn’t pinpoint. I couldn’t go back to taking care of my patients, not in my blubbering condition. I walked outside, to clear my mind, but also to have some privacy, and I let it out. I prayed so hard, I felt my heart would explode. I needed to feel peace in my heart, but all I felt was anguish.

After a little while alone with my thoughts and prayers, I finally felt calm enough to walk back in. The day went by as any regular day would for me. Helping patients, talking to them, xraying them…the norm. But as soon as I was home, I felt that tightening in my chest and heart again. So I began to pray. I am not as familiar with the Bible as others, so I messaged Gabe and asked him to guide me to some scripture, and for the rest of the night, I continued to talk to God. Pray. And occasionally cry.

This morning, I wake up with puffy eyes a slight headache, but my heart is not as tight as it was yesterday. I have a sense of calm within in me, and I can only attribute it to the prayers that I said. I remember asking God to please give me peace in my heart…I felt so out of breath so many times last night…I kept having to take deep breaths in, not only to calm myself, but because I couldn’t really breathe. It felt as if my heart was trying to take in so much but wasn’t big enough…I don’t know if that makes any sense, but that’s the only way I can describe it.

I may not have known the people in the awful tragedy yesterday, but for some unknown reason, I felt their pain so intensly. I felt so sad and my heart felt as if it were breaking. I can only recall feeling this much pain in my heart just a few times in my life, but I can truly say that last night, I felt closer to God than ever before. I know that I am just one person in a vast pool of people just like me, searching for and yearning to be closer to God. But last night was a breaking point for me. What that gunman did to those innocent souls was and is unthinkable, and there are no real answers for us…at least not in this lifetime. But, at least for me, yesterday was a wake up call that I need more of Him in my life, because without Him, I am lost.