When I was a boy I had a fear of death. I was scared of someone breaking in to our house, I was scared to be in a car going too fast, I was scared of storms. I did not want to die.

It wasn’t even that I was scared of where I was going, it was I just knew these things could hurt me. It was a fear of nothing.

As I got a little older, I grew in my faith and I became a follower of Christ. With that, I knew I would one day go to Heaven, but for me, I didn’t even think about that being the reason of being a follower. It was more about praising and being so thankful for my current life. It was about being a good person.

As I got even older, I continued to grow in my faith and I was still scared of death. I knew where I was going, but I guess I didn’t fully understand where I was going. I still loved life so much and was happy that I was alive. I enjoyed everything around me.

When Lindsay died, something changed. At first I thought it would set me free. Today, I feel like I was wrong.

When Lindsay died, I instantly lost my fear of death. I was ok with eternity in Heaven… How could I not be?

Anyone who came in contact with me knew I still loved my life and even though I did not fear death, I did not fear life either. I embraced anything that came my way. I was probably in shock. I don’t know that I was excited about the day, but I wasn’t scared of it.

Today, once again things have changed. I have been really struggling lately. It has not been so much about missing Lindsay in particular, not that I don’t miss her every day, but it just isn’t where my struggle is.

To give you an idea of my ”new normal” life…

It is no secret that I have been involved with a young widow, by the name of Lindsey for quite some time. She is amazing, her daughter is amazing, we do amazing things together, the way I feel for her is amazing, the way she makes me feel is amazing, the way she makes the boys feel is amazing. Its amazing.

For the past 6 months I have been blessed to work with some old colleagues, which I do from home. The job is great, the pay is great, the people are great (though I only see them through Skype). Its great.

Then there are the boys… I look at the boys often and can not believe they are mine. It is unbelievable that they are my sons. It is unbelievable the happiness that they bring to me. It is unbelievable that every day they get a little older, a little smarter, a little sweeter. It is unbelievable.

Last December I moved to China Spring, population 4,500. It is pretty country and it is pretty, country. I love it here, I can’t even imagine going back to a city of any kind. The kids run free and the people here ”live” with you. You care about the person bringing you your soda here, because they care about you. Its less about ”What can I get you?” and more about ”How are you doing today?”

So wrap all of those up into one and you have a pretty good thing going. It will be one unbelievably amazing, great life. One would think.

For some reason this all scares me. Death has lost all power against me. Life has all the power against me, not for me.

I feel tormented from the time I wake up in the morning until I shut my eyes for a moment or two. I don’t fear a break in or storm, I fear loving. I fear enjoyment. I fear doing the things that I was meant to do. I fear getting out of my bed to get the boys ready for school. I fear sending Lindsey a ”Good morning my love.” message. I fear sitting at my computer to do some work. I fear losing the boys, I fear losing my job, I fear losing Lindsey and P. Sometimes I think I am going to lose it all and become the guy sitting on the street corner holding a sign begging for money.

When I lost my fear of death, I originally felt so free. Now I feel like a prisoner in my own life.

Its not that I don’t want all of these things or that I don’t love ALL of it. It is just fear of it.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of the ocean, and the ocean is full of hope, love, and happiness. I feel like I have the tips of my toes right there getting damp, yet I am too scared to let go and jump in. I am so scared of something. I don’t know what it is…

My question every day is, ”What’s going to happen if I do?”

Today, do you know what is scarier than death? Life.

Life is real again. It is no more excuses. No more ”It’s ok, you lost your wife.” No more ”I am sorry for your loss.”

This is where the real healing takes place I think. This is where God says, ”Go my child, the training wheels are gone, I have the tires aired up, the breaks tight, and the steering set.” ”I have done this for you. You see it, but you don’t take it, why?” ”Don’t you trust me?” ”I love you, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Heavenly Father… you know my every need. You know my heart. You know my strengths, my weaknesses. You know my past, present and future. Please protect me. Please be the hand waving at me to move on when I look back. Please give me peace and never stop giving me love. I know I have to do my part, but somewhere down the road trusting became a conscious effort. Are you sure I’m ready? Are you sure I can do this life thing again? Are you sure I have it in me? I still need you every day. Every night. I will be still as long you need me to be if I can. Just give me the go ahead when you’re ready. In Christ’ name, Amen.

Gabe